Tuesday, February 22, 2005
The NBA Redraft Part 3
Mike Tirico: Welcome back friends to the show that apparently never ends, the NBA Redraft.
Dick Vitale: Welcome back baby!
Bill Walton: I feel so close to you all, in my mind you never went away. Now let’s all sail away together on this wonderful ride I like to call an acid trip.
Tirico: You mean the NBA Redraft Bill?
Bill Walton: With the choice of an acid trip or an NBA Redraft friends, there are no losers here.
Tirico: Anyway, let’s get everyone caught up with a look at the big board so far:
Pick Team Player Former Team
1 LA Vanessas Kobe Bryant LA Lakers
2 NY Knicks Lebron James Cleveland Cavaliers
3 Chicago Bulls Tyrone Markington Lincoln Jr High
4 Chicago Bulls* Jamal Jordan Happy Kids Play School
5 Boston Celtics Dwyane Wade Miami Heat
6 Philadelphia 76ers Tim Duncan San Antonio Spurs
7 Dallas Mavericks Amare Stoudemire Phoenix Suns
8 Atlanta Hawks Tracy McGrady Houston Rockets
9 Cleveland Cavaliers Kevin Garnett Minnesota Timberwolves
*From LA Clippers
Tirico: Ron Artest has been restrained via tranquilizers, the girl’s next-of-kin has been notified and we are ready to move on.
Walton: Tranquilizers – glorious.
Stephen A. Smith: I WANT you ALL to KNOW....that my-SELF, Tim LEG-ler, John SAUND-ers, and Greg ANTH-ony all blame the GIRL.
Vitale: I agree partner! Are you kidding me baby?!? This is what happens when girls leave school early! Everyone needs to take a lesson from guys like Cherokee Parks. Stay in school for 4 years under the tutelage of a man who stands for all that is right with college basketball – I am talking about one Michael Krzyzewski – and you will reap the rewards big time baby!!
Tirico: Fair enough. Let’s go to the podium where our next team is ready. Picking for Toronto is – is this right? – Celine Dion? Ah, whatever. Also, we should point out that Toronto thought they had drawn the 1st pick until Commissioner Stern notified them that translated to 10th Canadian. Expect Canadian Steve Nash to be the pick here.
Celine Dion: Allo ev-ery-body. How are you today, eh? I am Celine Dion and I am aboot to pick for Toronto, eh? There is no better pick to represent the great Canadian NBA franchise than the great symbol of Canada – we select a mighty moose.
The Garden erupts as a stoned Damon Stoudemire once again approaches the podium and is again sent dejectedly back to his seat.
Steve Nash, Todd MacCulloch, Jamaal Magloire, John Saunders, and Rick Fox: What the hell is that aboot?!?!
The Garden crowd is derisively saying "MOOOOOOOOOSE"
Vitale: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE
Tirico: I am speechless. A moose?
Walton: Michael, mooses, or meese if you prefer, combine grace and power to dominate the animal kingdom. This is a great day for the NBA when other species from mother earth can join in on the hoop dance.
Tirico: Sigh, okay. Digger Phelps has joined our esteemed panel – Digger, your thoughts?
Digger Phelps: The thing that I don’t necessarily understand about this pick is that the moose won’t have the height to contend with some of the bigger guys in the league because he will always be on 4 legs. Now if he could stand straight up, like if he could rest his weight on his tail, then that would be helpful. But not if the captain called heads in a coin flip. Because if that happened, you might have some dissension on your team and in your locker room. But really, that is the responsibility of the coach to diffuse that situation. When I coached at Notre Dame 20 years ago, I always….
Vitale: I hate the thought of a coin flip determining the outcome of a basketball game. Like I have been saying for years, change the alternate possession rule in college basketball! It’s a shame – an outright shame – when defenders like Mr. Shane Battier tie up the other team and then aren’t rewarded. Such a shame for college basketball. But nobody listens to me partner! But hey, back to the moose! This guy will take up space and dominate the paint – he is a no doubt about it lock on my Awesome Animals team baby!!
Tim Hardaway: I ain’t never comin back to the NBA now, know what I’m sayin? Between them crazy hawks and now these meese with their sharp teeth? I’ve seen Jaws - you all know what I mean.
Tirico: I definitely don’t get paid enough for this. If you are wondering about the delay, Celine Dion has launched into "My Heart Will Go On" and we are waiting for a stiff breeze to knock her off stage. While we wait, Craig Sager says he has the moose with him. What? Ah hell, why not – Sages?
Craig Sager: A lot of people were surprised you got drafted so high. What does it mean to you to be the first non-human since Sam Cassell to get drafted to the NBA?
Moose:
Sager: I love your fashion choice for the evening – fur. Very retro. Who designed that outfit for you?
Moose:
Tirico: No more of this! Though he does kind of have Latrell Sprewell’s hair. Or antlers. Or whatever. I can’t believe I am even discussing this. So, first the NHL cancels its season and now Celine Dion picks a moose for the Toronto Raptors. Maybe not the best week for Canada.
Next up the Houston Rockets. Picking for them will be Hakeem Olajuwon, who was kind enough this week to donate $20 million each to an animal testing lab and to the North Korea nuclear testing program.
Hakeem Olajuwon: On behalf of the Houston Rockets, I proudly select Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf.
Garden crowd erupts once again. "RAUUUUUUUUUUUUF"
Vitale: DUUUUUUUUUUUKE
Tirico: I am not letting anybody touch this one. Luckily, the Pistons are already ready up at the podium. Joe Dumars, take it away.
Joe Dumars: We are trading our pick to the Portland Trailblazers in exchange for 100 ankle bracelets and 50 electronic tracking devices.
Vitale: Wow baby! Wo-wwwwwww!
Tirico: An interesting move by Portland here folks. Since they have committed
to cleaning up their act and moving out all the troublemakers for the 11th consecutive season, they have little use for what they gave up. The Blazers are now on the clock, but first let’s get the Detroit perspective – Craig Sager has Joe Dumars.
Sager: Joe, let’s try to ignore the fact that I am a grown man wearing a plaid suit jacket with a feather in place of a tie – what does this deal mean to you?
Dumars: Well, we felt this was a great opportunity for us. By trading down, we were able to get a great supply of ankle bracelets and tracking devices to help control our fans at home games. And meanwhile, I am confident that the guy we want will still be available in our new spot.
Sager: Can we get some insight into who you are targeting later in the redraft? You passed up a lot of good players who are available now to pick up these crowd restraining devices.
Dumars: Well, obviously I can’t say too much or someone else might step in and
take our guy. So, I am going to leave you in the "Dark", hint hint.
Tirico: Is it possible the Pistons will pass up on bona-fide proven talent that has actually seen a basketball before to take Darko again? I guess we will have to wait until later to see for sure. Nothing would surprise me anymore.
Walton: This trade could be one of the best things to happen to the game I love, as it allows us all to shed our mental ankle bracelets and be free. Dance and be free Motor City. Dance and be free Portland. Ah, Portland. Portland IS the land of second chances, the land of hope springing eternal, the land of giraffes on roller skates if I take the right combination of things.
Tirico: Giraffes on roller skates?
Vitale: This is the problem with the NBA game today – you have GMs that are so sold on promise that here you have teams taking high schoolers, moose, giraffes, and Europeans over guys who flat out dominated the college game! It is just unbelievable baby with a capital D!
Tirico: Okay, the Blazers are ready to make their selection. Sam Bowie is very, very slowly making his way up the podium.
Sam Bowie: With the 13th pick in the NBA Redraft, the Portland Trailblazers select Eddie Griffin.
The crowd begins to explode before quieting down so as not to provoke Eddie Griffin.
Tirico: Well, that is surprising and quite frankly pretty scary.
Hardaway: Oh man, I love that guy Eddie Griffin- the undercover brother. Cracks me up man.
Digger: The thing that surprises me a bit about this pick is that the Blazers were so insistent that this was the year they improved their reputation, and went with guys without what they call character issues. And I don’t know if Eddie Griffin fits that category. Because there are a lot of categories in basketball. Points, assists, rebounds. All are categories that are important. The most important thing is going to be transition defense though. If they don’t get back on defense, the Irish are going to have a tough time beating UConn.
Tirico: We are all dumber for having heard that. Craig Sager is down with Sam Bowie and Eddie
Griffin, hopefully to shed a little light on this surprising pick.
Sager: Sam, I know you are no stranger to surprising draft picks, but why Eddie Griffin?
Eddie Griffin: WHY NOT?!?
Sam: Its okay Eddie, I’ll take this one. Its true Eddie has had some problems in the past, but we feel that is where it is, the past. We have done extensive background research. Eddie is a different man now, very domestic - he has been grounded by raising his pet pitbulls as well.
Sager: Eddie, is this true? Are you a changed man?
Griffin: You calling my boy Sam a liar?!?!
Bowie: Hey Eddie, relax, take a seat...
Griffin: Don’t you put your f*#!*ing hand on me.
Bowie: EDDIE, relax, breathe, count to ten man!
Griffin: YOU COUNT THESE F*#@!*ING BLOWS ON YOUR HEAD (bleep...bleep....bleep)..ONE...TWO....
Tirico: COMMERCIAL!!
Dick Vitale: Welcome back baby!
Bill Walton: I feel so close to you all, in my mind you never went away. Now let’s all sail away together on this wonderful ride I like to call an acid trip.
Tirico: You mean the NBA Redraft Bill?
Bill Walton: With the choice of an acid trip or an NBA Redraft friends, there are no losers here.
Tirico: Anyway, let’s get everyone caught up with a look at the big board so far:
Pick Team Player Former Team
1 LA Vanessas Kobe Bryant LA Lakers
2 NY Knicks Lebron James Cleveland Cavaliers
3 Chicago Bulls Tyrone Markington Lincoln Jr High
4 Chicago Bulls* Jamal Jordan Happy Kids Play School
5 Boston Celtics Dwyane Wade Miami Heat
6 Philadelphia 76ers Tim Duncan San Antonio Spurs
7 Dallas Mavericks Amare Stoudemire Phoenix Suns
8 Atlanta Hawks Tracy McGrady Houston Rockets
9 Cleveland Cavaliers Kevin Garnett Minnesota Timberwolves
*From LA Clippers
Tirico: Ron Artest has been restrained via tranquilizers, the girl’s next-of-kin has been notified and we are ready to move on.
Walton: Tranquilizers – glorious.
Stephen A. Smith: I WANT you ALL to KNOW....that my-SELF, Tim LEG-ler, John SAUND-ers, and Greg ANTH-ony all blame the GIRL.
Vitale: I agree partner! Are you kidding me baby?!? This is what happens when girls leave school early! Everyone needs to take a lesson from guys like Cherokee Parks. Stay in school for 4 years under the tutelage of a man who stands for all that is right with college basketball – I am talking about one Michael Krzyzewski – and you will reap the rewards big time baby!!
Tirico: Fair enough. Let’s go to the podium where our next team is ready. Picking for Toronto is – is this right? – Celine Dion? Ah, whatever. Also, we should point out that Toronto thought they had drawn the 1st pick until Commissioner Stern notified them that translated to 10th Canadian. Expect Canadian Steve Nash to be the pick here.
Celine Dion: Allo ev-ery-body. How are you today, eh? I am Celine Dion and I am aboot to pick for Toronto, eh? There is no better pick to represent the great Canadian NBA franchise than the great symbol of Canada – we select a mighty moose.
The Garden erupts as a stoned Damon Stoudemire once again approaches the podium and is again sent dejectedly back to his seat.
Steve Nash, Todd MacCulloch, Jamaal Magloire, John Saunders, and Rick Fox: What the hell is that aboot?!?!
The Garden crowd is derisively saying "MOOOOOOOOOSE"
Vitale: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE
Tirico: I am speechless. A moose?
Walton: Michael, mooses, or meese if you prefer, combine grace and power to dominate the animal kingdom. This is a great day for the NBA when other species from mother earth can join in on the hoop dance.
Tirico: Sigh, okay. Digger Phelps has joined our esteemed panel – Digger, your thoughts?
Digger Phelps: The thing that I don’t necessarily understand about this pick is that the moose won’t have the height to contend with some of the bigger guys in the league because he will always be on 4 legs. Now if he could stand straight up, like if he could rest his weight on his tail, then that would be helpful. But not if the captain called heads in a coin flip. Because if that happened, you might have some dissension on your team and in your locker room. But really, that is the responsibility of the coach to diffuse that situation. When I coached at Notre Dame 20 years ago, I always….
Vitale: I hate the thought of a coin flip determining the outcome of a basketball game. Like I have been saying for years, change the alternate possession rule in college basketball! It’s a shame – an outright shame – when defenders like Mr. Shane Battier tie up the other team and then aren’t rewarded. Such a shame for college basketball. But nobody listens to me partner! But hey, back to the moose! This guy will take up space and dominate the paint – he is a no doubt about it lock on my Awesome Animals team baby!!
Tim Hardaway: I ain’t never comin back to the NBA now, know what I’m sayin? Between them crazy hawks and now these meese with their sharp teeth? I’ve seen Jaws - you all know what I mean.
Tirico: I definitely don’t get paid enough for this. If you are wondering about the delay, Celine Dion has launched into "My Heart Will Go On" and we are waiting for a stiff breeze to knock her off stage. While we wait, Craig Sager says he has the moose with him. What? Ah hell, why not – Sages?
Craig Sager: A lot of people were surprised you got drafted so high. What does it mean to you to be the first non-human since Sam Cassell to get drafted to the NBA?
Moose:
Sager: I love your fashion choice for the evening – fur. Very retro. Who designed that outfit for you?
Moose:
Tirico: No more of this! Though he does kind of have Latrell Sprewell’s hair. Or antlers. Or whatever. I can’t believe I am even discussing this. So, first the NHL cancels its season and now Celine Dion picks a moose for the Toronto Raptors. Maybe not the best week for Canada.
Next up the Houston Rockets. Picking for them will be Hakeem Olajuwon, who was kind enough this week to donate $20 million each to an animal testing lab and to the North Korea nuclear testing program.
Hakeem Olajuwon: On behalf of the Houston Rockets, I proudly select Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf.
Garden crowd erupts once again. "RAUUUUUUUUUUUUF"
Vitale: DUUUUUUUUUUUKE
Tirico: I am not letting anybody touch this one. Luckily, the Pistons are already ready up at the podium. Joe Dumars, take it away.
Joe Dumars: We are trading our pick to the Portland Trailblazers in exchange for 100 ankle bracelets and 50 electronic tracking devices.
Vitale: Wow baby! Wo-wwwwwww!
Tirico: An interesting move by Portland here folks. Since they have committed
to cleaning up their act and moving out all the troublemakers for the 11th consecutive season, they have little use for what they gave up. The Blazers are now on the clock, but first let’s get the Detroit perspective – Craig Sager has Joe Dumars.
Sager: Joe, let’s try to ignore the fact that I am a grown man wearing a plaid suit jacket with a feather in place of a tie – what does this deal mean to you?
Dumars: Well, we felt this was a great opportunity for us. By trading down, we were able to get a great supply of ankle bracelets and tracking devices to help control our fans at home games. And meanwhile, I am confident that the guy we want will still be available in our new spot.
Sager: Can we get some insight into who you are targeting later in the redraft? You passed up a lot of good players who are available now to pick up these crowd restraining devices.
Dumars: Well, obviously I can’t say too much or someone else might step in and
take our guy. So, I am going to leave you in the "Dark", hint hint.
Tirico: Is it possible the Pistons will pass up on bona-fide proven talent that has actually seen a basketball before to take Darko again? I guess we will have to wait until later to see for sure. Nothing would surprise me anymore.
Walton: This trade could be one of the best things to happen to the game I love, as it allows us all to shed our mental ankle bracelets and be free. Dance and be free Motor City. Dance and be free Portland. Ah, Portland. Portland IS the land of second chances, the land of hope springing eternal, the land of giraffes on roller skates if I take the right combination of things.
Tirico: Giraffes on roller skates?
Vitale: This is the problem with the NBA game today – you have GMs that are so sold on promise that here you have teams taking high schoolers, moose, giraffes, and Europeans over guys who flat out dominated the college game! It is just unbelievable baby with a capital D!
Tirico: Okay, the Blazers are ready to make their selection. Sam Bowie is very, very slowly making his way up the podium.
Sam Bowie: With the 13th pick in the NBA Redraft, the Portland Trailblazers select Eddie Griffin.
The crowd begins to explode before quieting down so as not to provoke Eddie Griffin.
Tirico: Well, that is surprising and quite frankly pretty scary.
Hardaway: Oh man, I love that guy Eddie Griffin- the undercover brother. Cracks me up man.
Digger: The thing that surprises me a bit about this pick is that the Blazers were so insistent that this was the year they improved their reputation, and went with guys without what they call character issues. And I don’t know if Eddie Griffin fits that category. Because there are a lot of categories in basketball. Points, assists, rebounds. All are categories that are important. The most important thing is going to be transition defense though. If they don’t get back on defense, the Irish are going to have a tough time beating UConn.
Tirico: We are all dumber for having heard that. Craig Sager is down with Sam Bowie and Eddie
Griffin, hopefully to shed a little light on this surprising pick.
Sager: Sam, I know you are no stranger to surprising draft picks, but why Eddie Griffin?
Eddie Griffin: WHY NOT?!?
Sam: Its okay Eddie, I’ll take this one. Its true Eddie has had some problems in the past, but we feel that is where it is, the past. We have done extensive background research. Eddie is a different man now, very domestic - he has been grounded by raising his pet pitbulls as well.
Sager: Eddie, is this true? Are you a changed man?
Griffin: You calling my boy Sam a liar?!?!
Bowie: Hey Eddie, relax, take a seat...
Griffin: Don’t you put your f*#!*ing hand on me.
Bowie: EDDIE, relax, breathe, count to ten man!
Griffin: YOU COUNT THESE F*#@!*ING BLOWS ON YOUR HEAD (bleep...bleep....bleep)..ONE...TWO....
Tirico: COMMERCIAL!!
