Monday, February 07, 2005


The NBA Re-Draft Part 2

Mike Tirico: Welcome back to the NBA Re-Draft here on you world wide leader. Dick Vitale has been electroshocked and promises not to get too graphic about what he wants Coach K to do on his bald head. So I think we can move on.

Bill Walton: Ramble on rose...ramble on baby....if there is something better out there than a continuation of a re-draft at this time in this world, then I haven’t seen it - is this great or what? How lucky are we? What a day!

Mike Tirico: Thank you Bill. I am once again joined by, sigh, Tim Hardaway, Bill Walton, Stephen A. Smith, Dick Vitale, and Craig Sager.

Dick Vitale: Welcome back baby! This is the best re-draft in America baby! Hey, Sages, look at that outfit baby - I gotta tell you, I wish I could dress like that! I was talking to Wojo down before the game and I told him, "OHHH!!! Wojo!! I wish I had your looks baby! You must get any woman in America baby!" Wojo baby!! Wo-joooooo!

Mike Tirico: Before what game? There is no game. This is a redraft.

Bill Walton: Michael, it’s the game of life. And on this day, in this arena, with this air, and with those butterflies over there cheering our every move, we are all winners of this game.


Mike Tirico: That’s all?

SAS: I’ve made my point.

Tim Hardaway: I think it was a little early to draft Wojo.

Mike Tirico: What?!? Okay, let’s get everyone caught up. It’s the first and surely last NBA Re-Draft. David Stern has made all players available. The order of drafting was picked at random by Stern, though amazingly all the big market teams ended up in the top half of the draft. If you are just joining us, Lakers President/GM Kobe Bryant picked himself first, then denied it, then made a bunch of condescending remarks.

The Knicks followed by bringing Lebron to NY to the commissioner’s delight. The NY crowd reacted by chanting "Fire Layden!".

Then new/old Bulls GM Jerry Krause stunned everyone by drafting someone from Jr High School, and then Michael Jordan’s illegitimate 5 year old child after obtaining the 4th pick from the Clippers for Eric Piatkowski. No confirmation to the rumor that Elgin Baylor is running around the Garden looking for his nose after Joe Dumars played the "got your nose" trick on him.

Finally the Celtics gave us some normalcy by picking Dwayne Wade and ensuring we will all get to hear about how much Boston and NY hate each other all winter too.

Mel Kiper Jr: Let’s take a look at my "best available" board right now. I really like a defensive back out of Georgia with plenty of upside by the name of...

Mike Tirico: No way - get the hell out of here. Okay, next up Philadelphia. Lots of Philly fans here. Doing the picking for the Sixers will be, um, Jesus?

Jesus: With the 6th pick, the Philadelphia 76ers select God Shammgod, Providence College.

Sixers Fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Jesus sucks!!!

Jesus: Got you! Just wanted to see if you guys would even boo Jesus. Okay, for real, the Sixers select Tim Duncan.

Mike Tirico: Solid pick by Jesus for the Sixers. Let’s go down to Craig Sager with Tim Duncan, who from what we hear is incredibly upset and emotional about the prospect of leaving the Spurs. Sages?

Craig Sager: Tim, you have spent your whole career in San Antonio and I can see you are shaken up here and have something to say.

Tim Duncan: Yes. I look forward to contributing in Philadelphia best I can.

Craig Sager: Wow, explosive stuff.

Mike Tirico: So a rare display of emotion from Tim Duncan. Dickie V, you saw Tim Duncan play twice a year in college, whenever Wake was at Duke or hosted Duke. What are your thoughts?

Dick Vitale: This is an outstanding pick! By the way, I love Philadelphia baby! Home of Rocky! What a story that was baby! Young coach takes over private school hoops program, builds them to magnificent heights while still maintaining the standard of class and integrity. When you talk about class and you talk about integrity, you have to just flat out admire how Coach K can keep Duke at the level they are at - as the pre-eminent college basketball program in America baby! Anyway, let’s get back to Tim Duncan, another guy who spent 4 years in college like Trajan Langdon and now is reaping the rewards. I would have loved to have played in the ACC for 4 years! Are you kidding me baby?! Sixteen games against Duke and Carolina?! Wow baby...WOOOOW!!

Mike Tirico: Wow is right. Next up are the Dallas Mavericks and owner Mark Cuban is at the podium.

Mark Cuban: For the Dallas Mavericks pick, I am opening up the competition to all NBA players. Each week, I will put them through a different task where they can show me why they should be the 1st redraft pick of the Mavs. I will vote off one player each week until we are left with one true survivor who will win the coveted....

David Stern: (whispering to Cuban) Make a pick now or I will have you killed.

Mark Cuban: Cancelled again. Okay, we select Amare Stoudemire.

A shocked and stoned out of his mind Damon Stoudemire begins walking up to shake Cuban’s hand before being sent back to his seat dejectedly.

Mike Tirico: A good pick by the Mavs - right now we have some breaking news I have just been handed to read. "ESPN’s Marc Stein, ESPN the Magazine’s Ric Bucher, and ESPN Insider Chris Ford are reporting that Kobe Bryant has had the name of his team changed to the Los Angeles Vanessas."

Bill Walton: That is HORRIBLE! The Lakers represent the subtle dance that we call hoops heaven, played at its highest level, a level I long to reach each night - that’s where the dance becomes a wonderful blur of movement and of athleticism, and THAT is what Laker fans have been lucky enough to see all these years. The sun is not shining on Los Angeles today friends.

Dick Vitale: You are absolutely correct partner. Now, I don’t know who these Lakers are that you speak of, but when you have something at its highest level you have to talk about Duke. Now I know people get on me for always talking about Duke, but I ask you partner, what’s wrong with admiring a program of class, that wins with absolute class!? What’s wrong with that baby?! Look at the Crazies baby! The Cameron Crazies are going crazy!!! This is the toughest place to play in America baby!!

Mike Tirico: So, that is all the analysis we have of the Lakers changing their name to Kobe’s wife’s name?

Tim Hardaway: Well, I think we may, you know, be overlooking that now all the lakes in Los Angeles have nothing to honor them. Know what I’m sayin?

Mike Tirico: As usual, no we do not. We asked Kobe about the move, but he said that he had nothing to do with it, he just plays for the team. Shocking. Next up is the Atlanta Hawks who traded their 4 season ticket holders to move up. This is sure to go poorly. The Hawks have 2004-2005 leading score Antoine Walker announcing the pick. Instead of at the podium, Antoine has decided to try to shout his pick into the mic from 10 feet further away. Teammates offered to take his shout and then simply say it into the mic, but Antoine says he would rather try a long-range pick himself than pass off the pick to a teammate.

And, his long range try was no good. As usual he keeps trying, but we will just tell you instead that the Hawks have taken Tracy McGrady. Ric Bucher, Marc Stein, and Chad Ford are already reporting that McGrady said he will not play for the Hawks and is demanding a trade.

Tim Hardaway: Even I wouldn’t play for the Hawks. Them things dangerous, with those beaks and claws, and they always squawkin at you, know what I’m sayin?

Bill Walton: The hawk is one of the most beautiful birds on the planet, there is nothing quite like watching it soar majestically through the air. Oh, to be a hawk.

Mike Tirico: Is this really happening? Anyway, next up is Cleveland. Not too much drama here, they have already told Carlos Boozer they would pick him here. Brad Daugherty hobbles to the podium with official word.

Dick Vitale: This pick is going to get a Super10 baby!! A Super 10 on my BDI - the Bald Dome Index baby!! Because I’m bald!! Rub my head baby!! Somebody rub my...

Brad Daugherty: With the 9th pick, Cleveland selects Kevin Garnett. Go f— yourself Boozer.

The Garden erupts again.

Mike Tirico: Oh my! Dickie V, you seem to be hyperventilating. Your thoughts?

Dick Vitale: Are you kidding me baby??? Are you kidding meeeee!!! A young man serves the game of basketball with honor and class, and then this is the thanks he gets?! I told Coach K once how much he bent over backwards to get these Alaska kids in school like Boozer and Langdon. Those kids are what makes the college game so special! Then I just told him to bend over baby!! What a view baby!! That’s why I’ll take the Dookies over anyone in Americaaaa!!

He still looks good, Coach K, doesn’t he?! I ask him, I say "Michael, how do you look so good baby!?! Your wife is a very lucky lady!" I wish I still looked that good, but I’m too old now baby!! I’m not a pretty picture!! America doesn’t want to see me baby!!

Stephen A. Smith: You are prunier than Shane Battier’s head.

Dick Vitale: Shane Battier, now you are talking about somebody special! One of those special individuals - hey, he should be president baby!! How about that? Shane Battier should be president!! Look how he takes that charge! Boom! Oh, college basketball, nothing like it in America baby!

Mike Tirico: We are waiting for the next pick, but meanwhile we are getting some disturbing news from below. Sages?

Craig Sager: Yes, my suit is now purple, but the real news down here is very disturbing indeed. They had an NBA promotions group tossing Redraft t-shirts into the crowd like they do at many arenas during timeouts. Apparently one of the t-shirts hit Ron Artest and he is now pummeling the girl that threw it.

Mike Tirico: Oh my, what a dark day for the league. Maybe we better take a break.

Bill Walton: Throw ‘er down big fella!!

Seriously dude, this is absolutely fantastic...
Keep it up!

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long should submit this to espn or something.
The Hardaway stuff kills me. And the Vitale and Walton parts are just dead-on. Great stuff, look forward to part 3.
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