Nets and Eggs

We are coming to you LIVE from New York City – it’s the first ever NBA Re-Draft! I’m Mike Tirico, and I will be joined tonight by Stephen A. Smith, Craig Sager, Tim Hardaway, Dick Vitale, and Bill Walton. As you probably already know, for no reason whatsoever Commissioner David Stern decided to shake things up by putting all NBA players into one pool – and now the 30 teams have gathered to redraft their teams. The only comment Stern gave when asked his reason for such an unprecedented action was “because I can.”

The Re-Draft order was selected by Commissioner Stern, in his words, “totally at random”. The first five picks will be the Los Angeles Lakers, New York Knicks, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Clippers, and Boston Celtics. The last 5 picks belong to Atlanta, New Orleans, Portland, Charlotte, and Toronto.

Let’s get things started. Picking for the Lakers will be new team President, GM, Head Coach, and Traveling Secretary, Kobe Bryant. As you know, Kobe assumed all these positions when everyone else involved with the Lakers eventually resigned.

Kobe steps to the podium: I select the only person that I can co-exist with, myself.

Mike Tirico: No surprises there, let’s go down to Craig Sager who is with Kobe. Watch your back Sages.

Craig Sager: Kobe, what does this moment mean to you, getting to pick yourself to play for your own team.

Kobe: I’m not totally sure what you are referring to, I never picked myself.

Craig Sager: Um, okay, does being Coach/GM make it easier to mold the team in your image, considering the problems you have had in the past, like with Shaq or Phil Jackson?

Kobe: Nah man, people have that all wrong. Me and the big fella got along fine. And I have tremendous respect for Coach Jackson.

Mike Tirico: So, the Lakers get things started with Kobe picking the person he likes to play with the most, himself. Which, considering his interactions with women, maybe that is the safest thing for everyone anyway. Let’s see what our panel of experts thinks of this pick. Tim?

Tim Hardaway: You know, Kobe, know what I’m sayin, is a really great player, and see now, good pick, know what I’m sayin?

Mike Tirico: Okay then – Dickie V?

Dick Vitale: The thing that I love about Kobe is his unbridled passion for the game, and don’t think it’s a coincidence his name starts with a K. Just like Coach K baby! Let me tell you something, Duke is the pre-eminent program in the nation today. You are talking about a program with class, led by a man who personifies dignity, grace, and victory. V for victory baby! Dickie V baby! To sum up, I am picking Duke to win.

Mike Tirico: Wow. Bill Walton?

Bill Walton: What a glorious day to be alive – how can you not be happy to be on this planet where the great game of basketball is alive and well, with the beauty of dancing bunnies and coconut trees.

Mike Tirico: Thanks Bill. By the way, its called “puff, puff, give” not “puff, puff, puff, puff, puff”. Stephen A?

SAS: KO-BE Bry-ant. Great player. Bad guy to deliver room service to.

Mike Tirico: Time for the next pick. Next up is Isiah Thomas, picking for the Knicks. Let’s see if he can manage to screw this up.

Isiah: The NY Knicks select Lebron James.

David Stern through the curtain: Yes! Thank you God! And by God, I mean myself! I am a freaking genius!

Mike Tirico: Hmmm, Lebron in NY. Maybe the Commissioner’s motives are becoming a little clearer as we see….ZZZZAAPPPP (Tirico hit with a tazer by Deputy Commissioner Russ Granik)….um, okay, um, what, know what I’m sayin?

Tim Hardaway: You stole my analysis!

Bill Walton: Ahhh, Lebron in NY. He will make sweet music in the Big Apple. The rhythm, the harmony, the kindbud, glorious. Let us all get up from our chairs and dance in a circle. (Walton gets up from his chair and starts spinning in circles)

Dick Vitale: It’s a little hard for me to analyze these two picks because neither guy played in college so I have never seen them play before. I heard Lebron drives a Hummer though. I’d like to give Coach K a hummer baby!

Tirico snapping back to consciousness: What the hell? Next up is the Bulls, who just recently rehired their former GM Jerry Krause. Remember, everyone is available except Kobe or Lebron.

Jerry Krause: The Chicago Bulls select Tyrone Markington from Lincoln Junior High School in Gary, Indiana.

Tirico: What?!? The Garden has erupted. Craig Sager has Jerry Krause – Sages?

CS: Jerry, you just could have had any player in the NBA and you took someone in Junior High? I guess the thing everyone wants to know is, what do you think of my yellow suit and bowling shoes?

Jerry Krause: Mmmcchhhhss….sorry, I was finishing my donut.

CS: Okay, forget my outfit for a minute, what was with that pick?

Jerry Krause: People seem to think you can keep a mediocre team together forever nowadays. Curry, Chandler, Gordon, those guys are getting on in years. I mean, Gordon went to college for crying out loud. I decided it was time to build for the future. I’ve been scouting this kid for awhile and in 8 or 9 years he could be a great one. Its time to stop hanging on to the past and rebuild for the future.

SAS: That is just a disgraceful pick!! What the hell are they doing!!! Aaaahhhh!!!!

Tirico: What was that last part?

SAS: I just yelled. It doesn’t really matter what I actually say – people just like to hear me scream.

Tirico: Apparently. Next up, the LA Clippers. I suppose it would be good for the league to have the best teams in LA, NY, Chicago, and Boston, the biggest TV markets out (Russ Granik appears holding his tazer menacingly)….um, what I mean is, the NBA is Fantastic! Elgin Baylor to the podium…

Elgin Baylor: The LA Clippers trade their pick in this Re-Draft to the Bulls for Eric Piatkowski and the Bulls top 3 picks in the next Redraft.

The crowd explodes!

David Stern: D’oh!

Tirico: What?!?! There has never been a redraft ever before in sports and this is so illegal and ridiculous, everyone knows it will never happen again!

Elgin to Krause: Wait, you said there would be another one of these really soon.

Jerry Krause: No, I said I was going to have another one of these really soon. Another pizza.

Elgin: Damn. I am so bad at running a basketball team.

Walton: That was a HORRIBLE move by the Clippers. HORRIBLE! But really, how can you be upset with them when we are all on this magical road of life? Cough, cough, cough! Whew, rough one, but you gotta cough to get off right? Glorious.

Jerry Krause: With the 4th pick in the NBA Redraft, the Chicago Bulls select Michael Jordan’s bastard child Jamal, Happy Kids Play School, Wilmington, North Carolina.

Tirico: Jordan doesn’t even have a kid named Jamal!

Krause: He does, he just paid his mother a lot of money to keep quiet about it.

Kobe: That’s a great idea. I know some other guy who does that. I am too much of a gentleman to say his name, but I’ll just say it rhymes with “track”.

Vitale: This is just terrible for the college game! I have one glass eye and I can see that! These GMs are drafting potential diaper dandies rather than guys who flat out dominated the college game. Look at what staying in school for 4 years did for the games of guys like Khalid El-Amin or Mateen Cleaves. Those are two great programs right there, UConn and Michigan St. But I’ll tell you what, you give me 5 guys from these three schools – Duke, Carolina, and Kansas – and I will take on any 5 in America baby!

Tirico: Next up will be the Boston Celtics. Any thoughts on what direction they might go? Tim?

Tim Hardaway: Um, definitely a basketball player, a baller, know what I’m sayin?

Tirico glares at Hardaway with disgust, then turns to Walton. Bill?

Walton: The Boston Celtics, certainly the most prestigious and decorated franchise in NBA history. I was lucky enough to play for the Celtics until they asked me to leave when I kept trying to smoke the 4-leaf clover on my uniform. What a day, what a world. So, as for this pick, whoever it is just better keep on dancing!

Tirico: This is unbelievable. Dickie V?

Dick Vitale: Well Mike, I gotta tell you. I think they are going to go with Trajan Langdon.

Tirico: That would be a bit of a surprise. Let’s go to the podium and Danny Ainge.

Danny Ainge: The Boston Celtics select Dwayne Wade.

Tirico: Wow, that made sense! And now we will have Lebron and Dwayne Wade battling it out in another Boston-NY rivalry. I am sure David Stern is pretty excited about that.

Dick Vitale: Not as excited as me baby! He went to college! I saw him play! Dwayne Wade is fantastic baby, a PTPer! He is silky smooth going to the hole and his jumper is sweet. Like the sweet, sweet love I want to make to Coach K. Call me Mike, I want you to clean my bald head with your…….

BEEEEEEEPPPPPP, we apologize for the technical difficulties but the remainder of the NBA Redraft will not be seen. Instead, enjoy this encore presentation of Junction Boys.

Lane Sorkin can be contacted at lanesorkin@hotmail.com